


I've Been Losing So Much Time

by erisgregory



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Conversations, Healing, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 18:45:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19707271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erisgregory/pseuds/erisgregory
Summary: Michael feels miserable and finds a friend in the last person he’d expect to listen.





	I've Been Losing So Much Time

**Author's Note:**

> From a tumblr prompt: Malex - "I need someone to hear me." Beta'd by the amazing [allthehearteyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthehearteyes/pseuds/allthehearteyes), all remaining mistakes belong to me.

Four weeks after Max died and there was still no answer on how to bring him back. The loss of him had put so many things into perspective for Michael. What mattered in life and what didn’t. And the fact that no matter what, Max was his brother. Was his family, was one of only two other people in the world who knew what it was like to be them. And now he was in stasis waiting for them to figure out how to bring him back and so far no one had any useful answers.

They took turns in the mines watching over his pod the way he’d done for Isobel. It was only right, and they took it in shifts so he was never alone. Even the humans helped. Today it was Michael and Liz, though Liz had a shift at the diner in a little while and she hadn’t exactly been forthcoming about who was coming to take her place.

They had brought in his books and took turns reading to him, but Michael was worn out from not sleeping, worn down from worrying about Max, and exhausted from losing out with Alex. Everything was just so much that he found it difficult to read. He found it difficult to function in general, but his mind was swirling with thoughts and emotions that had no place to go.

“Michael?” Liz asked after a minute when he didn’t continue reading.

“Sorry, I just don’t think I can do this right now.” He admitted. He clenched his hand and looked down at the one Max had healed. He’d been angry about that at first, but then, later, he’d been thankful. It was a gift, albeit one he hadn’t asked for. Max had thought he was doing the right thing at the time and Michael had been so ungrateful. 

The late sun was hot outside, but it was cooler there in the dark. They had a couple of lanterns and Liz insisted on lighting candles for Max whenever she was there. “It’s a symbol.” She’d explained when Michael had asked her why she thought candles would help.

“Do you want me to take over? I still have a few minutes.” She offered.

“No, I think, can we just take a break for a few minutes?” He pleaded. He was losing it. He could feel the power humming through him, prowling through his veins like a caged lion. Usually he maintained tight control, but being bone weary left him susceptible to outbursts, and he hated that. 

Michael stood, giving in to the urge to pace.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Liz asked quietly.

“About what?” Michael asked, running a hand through his curls and trying not to lose his shit. 

“About whatever’s bothering you. You’ve been like this for weeks. And I’m a good listener. One might even say that I’m your friend.” Liz tried, leaning toward him.

Michael tugged at his hair with both hands. He was beyond frustrated. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to speak up, for a change? “I need someone to hear me.” He admitted the truth, the words torn from him before he registered the fact that Alex was standing in the entryway.

Alex had the good sense to look ashamed for overhearing him. “I’m sorry. I could come back?” He said slowly.

“No, I’ve got to run, you stay, Alex.” Liz said as she kissed Alex on the cheek and headed out before Michael could try and stop her.

Michael listened to her footsteps as long as he could until there was nothing but silence left in her wake. The stillness unnerved him and he wished, not for the first time, that he and Alex didn’t have this cloud hanging over them. Maybe then he would feel like he could open up to Alex, or Alex might be willing to listen.

“I could be someone.” Alex said finally as he came the rest of the way in. He took a seat on one of the chairs Isobel appropriated from outside the Airstream.

“What?” Michael asked, confused. 

Alex sighed and ran a hand over his face. He looked as exhausted as Michael felt. “I could be someone to hear you. If that’s something you’d want. I can listen.” He said patiently.

Michael considered it, but really he hadn’t meant Alex. Alex had already listened to him once before, about Maria and that hadn’t gone over so well. He needed someone more objective, he thought.

“No, I’m good, really.” Michael said. He wasn’t though, he could feel it in his bones. He was barely hanging on.

Alex fixed him with a look, one that meant business. “I know we haven’t been in the best of places, but I can be here for you. I can be a friend if that’s something you’re needing.”

Michael took a deep breath and blew it out, and then he gave in and nodded. He really did need someone to talk to. And Alex was someone he cared a lot about. If Alex was willing to listen, he might as well talk.

“It’s just everything, you know?” He started. “This thing with Max. He died and I should have been there, but I wasn’t. I should have been at the Airstream then too, but I wasn’t. I should have been a friend to Maria instead of putting her in the position I put her in, but I wasn’t. It’s like I can’t do anything right. I thought things were getting better, but it turns out I’m still the same no good screw up that everyone always thought I was.”

Alex didn’t say anything, but sat silently waiting as though he knew Michael was just getting started.

“Max was like a brother to me and I let Rosa’s death and the coverup ruin that. I blamed him and I was ashamed of my part in it, and I let that become my identity, the guy who killed those girls. Even though it wasn’t me! And I knew it wasn’t. I just let it be true because that was easier than breaking Isobel’s heart. Max and Isobel mean everything to me and I would do anything for them, but I drove them away. And then when Max needed me the most I wasn’t there for him, and now, even now, I can’t help him. Nothing I’ve tried has worked.”

Michael paced back and forth, unable to look anywhere but the ground. “I can’t sleep, I can barely eat. It’s all I think about, how I drive everyone away. Isobel, Max, you, Maria. Even Liz. It’s like I can’t let anyone in and I’m all alone. I made sure things would end up like this. But I can’t live like this, Alex, it’s killing me. I can’t keep everyone at arm’s length forever.”

Finally he took a breath and finally slumped back into a chair. Michael dropped his head in his hands and just tried to breathe. “I thought there was too much history between us, Alex. That’s the real truth. I was scared that we’d always have that pain hanging over us and I blamed you for it. I thought if I tired things with someone new that my life would be better. But my life is just empty. I’m empty. I’m not asking forgiveness, I just needed you to know. I know I screwed up. I know I ruined your friendship with Maria in the process because I’m selfish. And I’m so damned sorry. I’ll always be sorry I did that to you.”

It was a long time before Alex cleared his throat. Michael was actually afraid of what he might say. But he could not have been prepared for what Alex finally said. “I’m sorry too.” He said so softly that at first Michael wasn’t sure he heard it.

Michael lifted his head and looked at him. Alex had tears in his eyes. Tears to match the ones in Michael’s eyes.

“Why--” Michael began.

“I’m sorry because I pushed you away so many times. I hurt you. I look back on it now and I see it so clearly. I ended things with you and then I was surprised when you hadn’t waited around for me. When you didn’t just come to me with open arms.” Alex explained. It hurt Michael to hear him apologize because he didn’t feel like he deserved that after everything.

“Alex, you don’t have to say you’re sorry. It’s okay, you explained yourself already when you came to me that day in the trailer. You said you saw your dad when you looked in the mirror and I got it. That made sense to me. The same pain I felt hanging over us, you felt it too. But instead of trying to work it out, I took the easy way out and just avoided you. I didn’t even have the courage to tell you no to your face and I ruined your relationship with Maria.” Michael shook his head.

“Michael.” Alex took a breath. “Maybe we could call a truce? Because we’re both sorry and we both needed to hear an apology. You needed to hear it as much as I did. And you didn’t ruin my relationship with Maria, okay? She made the decision to go after you without talking to me first, but to be honest, I’m really not that mad anymore. I mean I was at first, but now, it just seems so small compared to everything else. I know you guys didn’t really start anything after that day, after Max, so there’s nothing really left to be mad about. She apologized to me anyway. And I forgave her.”  
“You did?” Michael asked, surprised.

Alex nodded. “I did, and I want to forgive you too. I hope you’ll forgive me and maybe we can try and work our way back to being friends.”

“I’d like that.” Michael said. Honestly he’d like more than that, but friends was a good place to start and was more than he’d dared hope for.

“Good, it’s settled then.” Alex tipped his head to the side. “You know, I really believe you and Liz are going to figure this out. You just have to go easier on yourself. Let yourself rest, get something to eat, stop thinking that you’ve let everyone down, because you haven’t. You’re exactly where Max needs you right now, working on helping him. Nobody else can do that the way you and Liz can. So keep going. Don’t give up, okay?”

Michael couldn’t believe this was how the conversation was going but he found himself giving Alex a short nod. He would try. That’s all he could hope for right now. 

“Is that everything?” Alex asked gently.

“Yeah, it is.” Michael said.

“If you ever need someone to listen to you again, I’m here, okay?” Alex smiled softly at him and it made Michael’s chest ache, but it also made him feel lighter somehow.

“Okay.” Michael agreed.

“Now, then, what are we reading tonight?” Alex asked looking around at the books and finding the one Michael had discarded. “Anna Karenina? Next time I’m going to bring something a little happier.” He vowed, but he began reading all the same.

That night they passed the book back and forth until Michael was yawning and it was time for Isobel and Maria to take their overnight shift. Together they walked back to their vehicles and Alex bumped his shoulder into Michael’s.

“I’m glad we’re friends again.” He said.

Michael smiled at him. “I am too.” He answered.

“And if you ever wanted to talk about building on to that, I’d be open to that conversation too.” Alex said, glancing sideways at Michael.

Michael couldn’t think of anything good to say to that, so he just said, “Okay.”

“Goodnight, Michael.” Alex waved as he climbed into his SUV.

“Goodnight.” Michael replied. And it felt like the start of something really important.

Two weeks later Max was alive and well and Michael was ready to have that conversation.


End file.
